Sunday Meditations

Find that person that takes away your pain. It might be different people for different pains. But just find your person(s).


Stupid Boy Penis

Ok, this is nothing about the male anatomy or anything really to do with men. Those some things about men. Really, I am watching Grey’s Anatomy and I feel its a good title.

For the last two weeks I have been in a personal melt down. I have someone who said I was mean and then I spent a week wallowing. I don’t try to be mean or aggressive but unfortunately it seems when I am a firm woman then I am mean or aggressive. In reality I fight harder for you then anyone else. But because I made you feel weak or inadequate I am the horrible person. Well Fuck All.

Today, I realize that my little world is just that. Its my little world. The things I go though are nothing compared to someone else is going through. The best I can share is that there are many threads in a rug. Your life might feel like it is falling apart. And for the most part it probably is. However, (for the most part) it will pass. Your near death or near worse case scenario will change. In 6 months, a year, 10 year, it will be different.

I know I am talking gibberish. But there is really a point. Your worse is someone else’s best. Try in, your worse moment, to understand someone else is going though more.

Just Listen

When I first wrote this post I wrote about a situation about a person who was upset with me and about their reaction. After long debates with myself and conversations with my closest friends I decided to write about my reactions instead.

One of the guys (gender neutral) I train decided they didn’t enjoy my teaching style. I surmise, they vented to another trainer and that person decided to make a complaint in the poor trainee’s honor. I truly don’t know the specifics, however, I do know that someone isn’t happy with me.

I was going to defend myself and saying I would give the shirt off my back to any of my trainees. Regardless, of how well I liked them or not. I would do anything for my “kids.” I call them that. Not derogatory. Mostly in affection. But as any of my friends will say, “I care.”

This person attacked me. Attacked how I care. How I am trying to make them a stronger, better person. For those who don’t know or don’t remember, I am in Law Enforcement. For those who do pay attention to the world, it is not a safe world. My main goal, with anyone I teach is if I let you go – into the world- you will be able to save my life, my co-worker’s life, a stranger’s life. That is my goal. To make you the best person you can ever be. To get there I might not be gentle. I might not hold your hand. I might make you feel like I walked away from you while you weren’t sure of the answer. I promise you, I didn’t leave you to flounder. I left you to grow.

Regardless, of all my assurances above, the pain you inflicted hit home. It hit me hardest because you don’t understand how hard I fight for you. I make my every movement to make sure that you are a superhero. That you are the person the papers write about. That amazing agent that the president sees.

But you decided you wanted to whine about my tone of voice. It hurt your feelings. It made you feel like you had room for improvement. Did you know that your complaint and whining hurt me? Did you think of me at all?

Did you know that I have cried myself to sleep? Did you know that I am second guessing every action I take? Did you even consider any of the options I have to think of because you didn’t you like what I said to you? Did you even consider that you could tell me you were upset or hurt or anything? Did you try talking to me at all?

You didn’t. I can say that honestly. Because the above is me. I might be crying writing this. This might be the most honest thing I have have ever written. The difference between us is when my friend read this they will surround me with love and happiness and caring. What will your friends surround you with? Good wishes? I will get hugs and love and comfort and support. You will get, “she was mean.” Or “she is a bitch.”

I break myself for you! I worry for you. I seek to make you a stronger person. If you can’t take that get out of my line of work. I don’t want you to have my back because you wont. I am sorry if you feel uncomfortable. I am sorry if you want to have your hand held. But that is not what I offer. And I promise what I have to offer is more then what you can handle. I break myself for you. What do you do?

Random Thoughts

I go to work at 530am. Why are people walking the streets? Too early for walk of shame and too late for the munchies.

I live next to a live action Lord of the Flies. 6 kids under 10 left to their own whiles. Little girls are scary.

How can I experience three seasons in one day? Live in Maine. Spring, Summer, and Fall all in a day.

Why do old men find me “attractive”? Like they take extra time to shake my hand or talk with me. Some 60 ur old tried to set a dinner date at my fav spot. But they are closed next week. Thank God!!

Do deaf people think cats vibrate when they are happy?

Who would want to drink zero calorie beer?? Isn’t that just wasting time.

Sunday Meditations

I havent posted these in a while. I have been a bit preoccupied. Again excuses. Time is moving to fast for me. I can’t imagine what it will be like in another 10 or 20 years. A year in a flash. I remember when I thought the summer was too long and now I don’t have enough time. So cherish each moment. Both good and bad. Live each day so you can look back and say, “You remember that day….”

Little Things

Well this post has become more complicated then I had anticipated. I was just sitting down to write about why I haven’t been writing. My TV, my monster 65″ TV decided to die. I put on a show and opened my computer. I had my computer jammed up high on my chest so that I wouldn’t disturb my dear kitty. And the thing just shut off. Then I spent the next 20 minutes unplugging and plugging back in random cords and changing batteries. All to no avail.

Sigh, never easy. I thought a simple day would be nice. Of course not! I was going to say I haven’t been writing because I have been so busy. Or because I was a bit depressed. Or some other excuse. But that really isn’t an excuse. I want to write. I want to share. But something stops me. Probably just plain old stubbornness. Who knows?

Regardless of what I was going to say. I just wanted to say I am here. I still see your likes and comments. I will be one again soon.