Yesterday I woke up with this pain in the base of my head. It was a throbbing pain. It was distracting and annoying but not yet insistent on my attention. I went through my day as normal. Taking care of my daily chores and preparing to go to work. At work, I started a low dose of pain killers. Just one here and there to keep the sharpness dulled. It worked but as dawn drew near (I am working midnights) the throbbing became more localized and vied for my attention. In my last hours of work, I pictured myself with a glass of wine and my snuggle companion. I knew this would ease my suffering. As my evening, mid-day for everyone else, drew toward bedtime the pain started to move behind my ear. I realized then this pseudo-migraine was really an earache.
A moment of panic set in. I have this memory of my 6 year old self writhing in pain for I knew my head was going to implode in on its self. I remember screaming for what seemed like hours while my mother made the trip into town to get me some relief. I can still picture my father hovering over me, worry and pity on his face. There was nothing he could do. There was nothing to do but to wait. I was in pain. Agony. My body was torturing itself for an unknown reason. The flashback was fleeting but the mark of pain was very familiar. I laid down with a stronger dose of over-the-counter pain killers. The pain woke me a few hours later. I searched for more pain killers and my heating pad. In a sleepy, drug induced stupor I moaned and tossed and turned. I tried to calm myself while I waited for relief that was slow in arriving. I made it through the next few hours in a sleepy, nightmarish haze. All my will trying to plead with the universe to stop the discomfort. The pain never stopped completely. I am now half way through my midnight shift. I will try to make it another few hours and then go to the clinic to get some stronger relief.
The situation reminded me of the strength or weakness of the mind. The mind can overcome almost anything. The mind can make the situation much better or eternally worse. By having the self control to not panic and give in to the pain I have overcome the my younger self. I no longer think of only the “now” but also the hope for a better future. I believe that is what makes us an adult. That knowledge that we can make our future better… or not. We can plan, hope, and act in a way that takes away the pain of the now. However, as a child all you can think of is what is happening right now. To the way you feel emotionally or physically. There is little planning and a lot of hoping.
Just food for thought. 🙂