Recently back from Arizona and a trip to see my Grandparents with a special appearance from my Aunt. This was the trip that I was required to attend because my mother needed a buffer between her and her parents. I was willing because after all its warmer in Arizona then Minnesota. Also after a trip a few weeks ago I needed a break from everything. Though my idea is sitting at home with my kitties and my PJs on. However, this was an acceptable alternative.
While a lot of things happened and were enjoyable I did slip into an old habit. I think I will share a flaw of mine with you; you my trusted readers. A person never wants to feel alone in the world. So many times I start a post only to delete it a few words in because I feel you wouldn’t care or would give me the “What the Fuck! You are crazy.” look. But I will share today. I have issues. Many to be sure. However, I have a particular issue when I sit and veg too long. Is veg a word? When I idle I feel more and more withdrawn. It is like I lose power or motivation or the desire to be around people. Really, I just become depressed. Circling the dark hole that drags me into oblivion. I become irritable and don’t want to interact or want to function in the world. I, trying to become a better person, have taken notice of when these feeling affect me. It’s when I idle or when I am very tired.
While at my grandparents, a little groggy from poor sleep, we idled all day. There was talk of going off with my mom and Aunt for a little break. That never came to happen and I sat waiting for something that never came. It got me wound up. I didn’t want to sit and have noisy conversations just so that my Grandfather could hear. It kinks me somehow. When we left to go see a movie I was irritable and didn’t want to go. I forced myself into the car because I knew I should be pleasant. When my mom pushed my buttons, like she does, I tried not to react. I forced myself to be agreeable. I was able to get better but never 100%. In the back of my mind I still saw myself curled into a ball on a bed with a book.
I don’t know why this happens. I don’t the full cause or how to correctly overcome it. Really the point of this post is to say that you can change. After a lifetime of feeling like a stranger in my own skin I have been able to control my actions. It wasn’t a perfect step. Really like a huge stumble that resulted in a bruised knee. I did curl up in the bedroom to watch an episode of Doctor Who. Perhaps a little time on my own will get me straightened out.
As for my mom, she can deal with her parents on her own. I have to deal with her. LOL.