This post has nothing to do with your mom. So don’t get all bent out of shape. This post is about my mother. She is here visiting. She drove 30 hours straight to get here, as if we were long lost friends. We are not. And only these visits remind me of that. Only when she is here do I fully remember why we live so far apart.
The planning for this trip was some months in the making. We spoke of all the fun things we were going to do. We were going to do mother daughter things like all the movies we had ever watched.
On day one we lounged all day. Well she did drive 30 hours straight with two very large dogs. I had spent the previous day cleaning. So it was nice just to nap and watch TV. Then after, I worked a day shifts and came home tired and hot. Its probably the hottest weekend while she is here and me without any AC. That first day she cooked. We sat and had a nice meal and then afterwards I did dishes and she dozed and played on her device. Not much was said. I couldn’t tell if I had done anything. So I went to bed. This seemed to be the going rate over the weekend. Me working and mom quiet. There were a couple times when I asked where something was or why something was left out and mother always played the victim. “Oh I’ve messed up again.” “The dog house for me.” I wasn’t accusatory just asking for information. There are other traits I see in her that I’ve spent years purging out of me. The no communication and lack of decision making for starters; the nabbing, biting comments too. I have been trying hard to be nonreactive to her words and actions but its not easy. I luckily haven’t had the time to dwell too much on things. We have had some fun. My town put on a mini festive for kind of end of season sales at the businesses downtown. We walked through that. It was my roomie’s anniversary and I take her out since her hubby can’t make it. I even took her kayaking. I had planned a surprise sunrise horse back ride for us. So its not like I’m leaving her behind. I do try to play the good daughter. However, its not a good fit for us. I wish there was someway that it could be fixed. Somehow I could change my feelings and make our relationship more compatible. My new goal is now to just have a mother (in law) suite and she can do her thing and we can meet up. That would probably be the best for us.
Roomie and I drove down with her to the next big city and sent her off well. Good food and drinks. What more can a person want? Plus we got to go shopping. HEHE.
I have been meaning to write all weekend and then things go sideways. Thing never go as I planned. Especially when my mom is involved. I keep thinking that things will change with her. But, alas it never does. I always set myself up for failure. I need to just understand that things won’t ever get better.
It goes without saying that the weekend wasn’t as good as it could have been. There was good things though. I got to see Shamu at Seaworld. Such wonderful creatures. The park was great and we saw walruses, penguins, and seals. I haven’t been to SeaWorld for years and it was great to see the sights. This is the last generation of Orca that SeaWorld will have and I was glad to see them before they leave. The penguins were in like 40*F snowy room. It was such a shock from 90*F outside. We also went to Epcot and walked around. It was interesting to see what they think are the highlights of the countries they have on display. Still way too hot.
Seems like I should have been more productive over the week I was gone. I don’t know where the time went. I do know that we went to Lowes 4 times and Walmart 5 times. What black holes those places are. Now back at home I feel like it’s time to play catch-up. So much outdoor stuff to do and I leave again in 2 weeks for a work detail. However, on a good note, there is a work opportunity that should open up soon and get me out of Minnesota. I can’t wait! I have been here too long.
I will get caught up more with you all as I get some more free time. I have been thinking of where I want to travel to next. I am thinking of India and Nepal. Any suggestions or ideas?
We have a new officer coming in. She will be up here before going to the Academy to learn all the things that we don’t do. Just kidding, we do some of what we are taught. She came from the East Coast to a place she has never been and without knowing anyone. A woman after my own heart. My roomie was given the task of helping her with the local info. So we decided to open our home to her, a stranger, and truly welcome her into the family.
When I started my career, I never knew that I would see my coworkers as family. Not all of them but a good few. I know that if I needed help they would be there and they have. I would do the same. So it wasn’t much of dilemma to welcome our newest sister into my home and my life. We have been giving her a tour of our huge town of 4,000 people. I am sure that all the information is very overwhelming but probably very welcomed.
In return she has been cooking traditional food for us. She is Filipino. Chicken Adobo and Pun Sit. It is so wonderful to have another foodie around. Of course, her favorite food is pizza. I have been cooking too. I made Toscana Soup and Cream Potatoes and Ham. We have eaten out a couple of times not to much success. Small town problems. All in all I know its been a positive experience for all involved. I have learned about a new culture, which is always a fun thing. I also hope that we have made a good impression on her. Time will tell.
I know, I have been gone a whole 6 days!!!! I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by. I will do my best to post something decent. I have started a new work schedule and it has really thrown me off. Working 12 hours a day really cuts down on what you want to do the rest of the day. Most likely, I will be sleeping or hoping I could sleep. I was not able to sleep the last few nights. I am much more of a night owl but this not falling asleep until the wee hours is really starting to wear on me. Thankfully my roommate will be home today and I can kick her cat out of my room. For those of you who don’t sleep with a live, stuffed animal let me tell you it doesn’t matter the size they still take up way too much room.
Last night, last sleepless night, I was thinking of things and realized that this is year 5 of my dad being gone. It shocked me so badly, that cold grip around the heart that makes you want to cry. I can’t believe that we have been without him half a decade. I don’t know where the time has gone. It feels like just yesterday I was on a flight home to see him one last time. I don’t know how to manage or how I’ve managed so far. I heard, and fully agree, that “the day you lose someone isn’t the worst -at least you’ve got something to do- it’s all the days they stay dead.” (Doctor Who season 9 episode 11). This quote really has stuck with me. For truly you have plenty to do on the day they die but thereafter you are left with a void so large, so vast you can never begin to bridge it.
On a little happier note, I want to thank you guys for being so dedicated in reading my nonsense. I have had over 400 visitors in the last year. I don’t know about you but that is crazy. That someone(s) cared enough to look at my dribble 400 different times. Thank you. It is so nice to know that I am connecting with you. I look forward to continuing this adventure and bringing you all along for the ride. It should be a most amazing year. Hopefully I can get some stuff done!
P.S. I was thinking of writing a new story. The story about my daughter, told from my point of view or maybe both, and the life I want for her. Good? Bad? Suggests?
There is nothing so satisfying as winning eBay bids on the way to work. Of course, it was snowing and there was a lot of ice on the road but I WON. LOL (Okay before anyone freaks out my bids weren’t due until I was in the parking lot. So really I drove with the adrenaline rush of a gambler and then won my bids parked in the lot.) I was able to grab a couple late 1800 edition books. John Milton and Charles Dickens. I am very excited. Those could be 1st editions. I will have to do some more research when I get them. This seller has a few more coming down the line too. I might be spending my allowance on old books. Such good times!!
My Christmas was the same as every year. Disappointment and discontentment. I have always hated Christmas. Even as a child I remember thinking this was the most ridiculous holiday ever. I would have rather skipped the gifts and gone sledding with my family or cooked with them. The gifts only make things tense. There is an expectation of wanting what you picked out to be accepted and then the pressure of liking what you got regardless if you really do. I wish we could take the gifts out of Christmas and just make it a family gathering instead. Yes I was a weird child and actually still am. I think that the gift you find in May, that really perfect thing, should be the gift you give. It means more.
We have been getting precipitation overnight. I can’t call it rain because it is frozen but it really isn’t snow. It was very heavy to shovel before work too. Only got ¾ of the way done before having to leave for work and now it is really snowing. So I will have to shovel again tonight. SO MUCH FUN!
It seems like time has sped up in my later years. (LOL) Where does the time go? Is the year really over? Today is the 4th anniversary of my dad’s passing. I can’t believe it. Four years without our corner stone. I feel the void growing the more time passes. There is this dark pit in our lives that we don’t talk about. A huge elephant in the room that we pretend isn’t really suffocating all of us. I wonder what my dad would think of the choices I have made. I know my life would be different with his love and guidance. I know that the stress of watching over my mom would be gone. Would I have left my family behind? Did he leave to keep me with my family? I know that there are many things that would be different. I hope that I am honoring his memory with my choices and actions. I miss him dearly. I know that the rest of the family does too. My sister is having a doubly hard time with her puppy and dad being gone. It’s hard for me too. Last year was my turn to lose my puppy and continue to miss my dad. We just have to continue to take every day one at a time and make the best of each moment. They, our days, are not promised. How well I have learned that lesson.
I stole this picture from The Bloggess. Check her out!
You know the saying, “when one door closes another one opens”? I always felt that was a scape goat of a phrase. Something you say just to make the person feel better. Something to say when you have really no good answer. And anyone who uses a window is just creepy or a burglar. Or Rapunzel. When my dear dog die a week after his 3rd birthday I hoped there was a reason. A reason where he wouldn’t be able to be with me. That his passing was really a blessing. I tried to see positive. However, it hasn’t been easy. My sister’s puppy only a year and half old got put down last weekend. The dog had a small bump on his side. She took him into get it looked at and within two weeks the bump had grown so large it was suffocating him. Where is the hidden blessing in taking away this young pup? I only hope that whatever the reason is, that it is a good one. I am tired of losing my family and friends. We are coming up on the 4th Christmas since my dad died. Each year is harder not easier. Each year that goes by gets more empty. It is hard to see the silver lining.