Unhealed

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Today out of the blue the person who I consider as my ex-wife texted me. She asked after me and told me she missed me. She told me I was her everything; with out me she was nothing. And as any heart sore person knows this was water to a desert.  I couldn’t tell her how much it hurt to talk about these things.  How much I wondered if she was missing our friendship or just my company. As we talked more I began to wonder what these words mean to her. They must mean something different to me.  Where do I fit in? Does she understand my feelings? Do I? It isn’t an easy thing. Humans are so poor in communication. No promises were made and we left things as they are. I never really thought I would feel this way about another person especially a girl. (For more about her click here) I am at a loss for what to do. I suppose the best thing is to carry on as always until something different happens.

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24 Little Hours

Its amazing what one day can change. Last night I could barely sleep knowing my sister was riding out Irma in the Orlando area. I watched as The Keys were destroyed and Miami, flooded. I watched as Irma, slowing but still strong, headed directly towards my sister’s house. I dreamt of cold rain and lashing wind. Then waking to check my phone for any updates. At 2am I woke in a panic and received a text stating they were just about to take a direct hit. I didn’t hear from my sister for the next 6 hours. The worry and stress was unbareable. 

In my sister’s neighborhood.

My brother’s girlfriend was staying at my moms. She was managing 2 horses, 2 dogs, a cat, and a bunch of chickens on her own. The property is in the middle of massive forested acreage. The amount of worry is indescribable. Finally, around 8am I finally got word my sister was OK and everyone was alive at my mom’s.  However, during the day I was not able to get damage reports. My concern for property damage made my day long and my stomach knotted. 

Near my sisters house

Orlando had restrictions for residents to return home. I can only imagine the fear my sister lived in while waiting for 6pm to roll around. She had word that her home was OK but the damage visible made that very unlikely. (As you can see from the above photos.) I am happy to say my sister’s house was nearly untouched!!! There was a few end shingles ruffled. At my mom’s farm there was a tree over the driveway that took out our power lines. Beyond that, the report is no other significant damage. 

It has been a rollercoaster of emotions and a test in faith. I know that along with Divine Grace that my dad was watching out for us. I can only hope that we will continue to be safe from Nature’s rage.  

Pushing Through

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I have started writing about a half dozen posts and then deleted them because I feel that they are silly or stupid. I have been having a hard time feeling inspiring or inspired. I am forcing me to write this because I do have followers and I am letting y’all down. I am very annoyed at work today. Of course, that is probably I’ve only had 8 hours off between my two shifts. Plus I worked an extra 20 hours of overtime this week. So my attitude is poor and I should be sent home.

Beyond that I have been trying to be supportive of my mom. She is now an empty nester. (Way late if you ask me) My brother has taken a job with Border Patrol on the Southern border. He drove all the way there and my mom bawled. I feel for her, I really do. With dad gone what does she have. I told her to come see me but she still have some responsibilities at home. I hope now that with him gone she gets in gear about getting everything automated so she can travel more.   Beyond day one she seems to be ok. No big breakdowns or wallowing. So maybe things will be ok after all. In a few weeks she has to meet my sister in Vermont anyways. So there is that.

I will continue to post about my brothers adventures at the academy. I also have some travels coming up too that I will write about. So beyond being exhausted and annoyed things are moving forward. Hope the last of summer is going well for all of you as well. I would love to hear some stories!!

The trouble with Mothers

This post has nothing to do with your mom.  So don’t get all bent out of shape.  This post is about my mother. She is here visiting.  She drove 30 hours straight to get here, as if we were long lost friends.  We are not.  And only these visits remind me of that.  Only when she is here do I fully remember why we live so far apart.

The planning for this trip was some months in the making.  We spoke of all the fun things we were going to do. We were going to do mother daughter things like all the movies we had ever watched. 

On day one we lounged all day. Well she did drive 30 hours straight with two very large dogs. I had spent the previous day cleaning.  So it was nice just to nap and watch TV.  Then after, I worked a day shifts and came home tired and hot. Its probably the hottest weekend while she is here and me without any AC. That first day she cooked.  We sat and had a nice meal and then afterwards I did dishes and she dozed and played on her device.  Not much was said. I couldn’t tell if I had done anything. So I went to bed. This seemed to be the going rate over the weekend. Me working and mom quiet.  There were a couple times when I asked where something was or why something was left out and mother always played the victim. “Oh I’ve messed up again.” “The dog house for me.” I wasn’t accusatory just asking for information. There are other traits I see in her that I’ve spent years purging out of me.  The no communication and lack of decision making for starters; the nabbing, biting comments too.   I have been trying hard to be nonreactive to her words and actions but its not easy.  I luckily haven’t had the time to dwell too much on things.  We have had some fun.  My town put on a mini festive for kind of end of season sales at the businesses downtown.  We walked through that. It was my roomie’s anniversary and I take her out since her hubby can’t make it. I even took her kayaking.  I had planned a surprise sunrise horse back ride for us.  So its not like I’m leaving her behind.  I do try to play the good daughter. However, its not a good fit for us. I wish there was someway that it could be fixed. Somehow I could change my feelings and make our relationship more compatible. My new goal is now to just have a mother (in law) suite and she can do her thing and we can meet up. That would probably be the best for us.

Roomie and I drove down with her to the next big city and sent her off well. Good food and drinks. What more can a person want? Plus we got to go shopping. HEHE.

 

Long weekend

I have been meaning to write all weekend and then things go sideways. Thing never go as I planned. Especially when my mom is involved. I keep thinking that things will change with her. But, alas it never does. I always set myself up for failure. I need to just understand that things won’t ever get better.

It goes without saying that the weekend wasn’t as good as it could have been. There was good things though. I got to see Shamu at Seaworld. Such wonderful creatures. The park was great and we saw walruses, penguins, and seals. I haven’t been to SeaWorld for years and it was great to see the sights. This is the last generation of Orca that SeaWorld will have and I was glad to see them before they leave. The penguins were in like 40*F snowy room. It was such a shock from 90*F outside. We also went to Epcot and walked around. It was interesting to see what they think are the highlights of the countries they have on display. Still way too hot.

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Seems like I should have been more productive over the week I was gone. I don’t know where the time went. I do know that we went to Lowes 4 times and Walmart 5 times. What black holes those places are. Now back at home I feel like it’s time to play catch-up. So much outdoor stuff to do and I leave again in 2 weeks for a work detail. However, on a good note, there is a work opportunity that should open up soon and get me out of Minnesota. I can’t wait! I have been here too long.

I will get caught up more with you all as I get some more free time. I have been thinking of where I want to travel to next. I am thinking of India and Nepal. Any suggestions or ideas?

Kindness of Strangers

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We have a new officer coming in. She will be up here before going to the Academy to learn all the things that we don’t do. Just kidding, we do some of what we are taught. She came from the East Coast to a place she has never been and without knowing anyone. A woman after my own heart. My roomie was given the task of helping her with the local info. So we decided to open our home to her, a stranger, and truly welcome her into the family.

When I started my career,  I never knew that I would see my coworkers as family. Not all of them but a good few. I know that if I needed help they would be there and they have. I would do the same. So it wasn’t much of dilemma to welcome our newest sister into my home and my life. We have been giving her a tour of our huge town of 4,000 people. I am sure that all the information is very overwhelming but probably very welcomed.

In return she has been cooking traditional food for us. She is Filipino. Chicken Adobo and Pun Sit. It is so wonderful to have another foodie around. Of course, her favorite food is pizza. I have been cooking too. I made Toscana Soup and Cream Potatoes and Ham. We have eaten out a couple of times not to much success. Small town problems. All in all I know its been a positive experience for all involved. I have learned about a new culture, which is always a fun thing. I also hope that we have made a good impression on her. Time will tell.

 

 

Thank you!

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I know, I have been gone a whole 6 days!!!! I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by. I will do my best to post something decent. I have started a new work schedule and it has really thrown me off. Working 12 hours a day really cuts down on what you want to do the rest of the day. Most likely, I will be sleeping or hoping I could sleep. I was not able to sleep the last few nights. I am much more of a night owl but this not falling asleep until the wee hours is really starting to wear on me. Thankfully my roommate will be home today and I can kick her cat out of my room. For those of you who don’t sleep with a live, stuffed animal let me tell you it doesn’t matter the size they still take up way too much room.

Last night, last sleepless night, I was thinking of things and realized that this is year 5 of my dad being gone. It shocked me so badly, that cold grip around the heart that makes you want to cry. I can’t believe that we have been without him half a decade. I don’t know where the time has gone. It feels like just yesterday I was on a flight home to see him one last time. I don’t know how to manage or how I’ve managed so far. I heard, and fully agree, that “the day you lose someone isn’t the worst -at least you’ve got something to do- it’s all the days they stay dead.” (Doctor Who season 9 episode 11). This quote really has stuck with me. For truly you have plenty to do on the day they die but thereafter you are left with a void so large, so vast you can never begin to bridge it.

On a little happier note, I want to thank you guys for being so dedicated in reading my nonsense. I have had over 400 visitors in the last year. I don’t know about you but that is crazy. That someone(s) cared enough to look at my dribble 400 different times. Thank you. It is so nice to know that I am connecting with you. I look forward to continuing this adventure and bringing you all along for the ride. It should be a most amazing year. Hopefully I can get some stuff done!

P.S. I was thinking of writing a new story. The story about my daughter, told from my point of view or maybe both, and the life I want for her. Good? Bad? Suggests?