I’ve been kind of low lately. Lack of sleep and being pulled in eight different directions does that to a person. I have been uninspired and unfocused. I hate the hurry up and wait. While I have great plans for the summer and beyond I still have to wait for those days to approach. My mother has been giving me grief too. Literal grief. She messages me right out of the blue and was saying how much she misses my dog, Dorian. How his passing and the loss of him is a good pain that she will always reveal in. I said that I really don’t feel pain. In the few months since he has been gone I have missed his presence but I have gain joy from my memories. The pain really isn’t there for me. Only a bittersweet smile that comes to my lips when I think of my lil’ rascal. My mother continued to push the issue about how I should live in the pain. Perhaps that works for her but that isn’t how I function. She isn’t willing to let me function how I do. She always pushes her ideals on others. She isn’t willing to understand or try to understand. It always frustrates me and makes me feel so low. So not part of a family when my own mother doesn’t even understand her child. I must let things go. I must not let things get to me. Beyond feeling low, work is majorly slow and I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep for a week.
I had aspirations for a great post today. However, life isn’t helping me today. I feel so sluggish that I can barely move. It’s another cold day. Hopefully the last of them. Next week it looks like the temps are on the rise. I am hopeful. This spring has been one big tease. Oh look 60*! Never mind here is a half foot of snow and negative wind chills. Brrrr and grrrr! I have been looking at a few places to put the kayaks in. The little lake I wanted to use is still under ice but the rivers are clears and I hope to get in the water next week! Also coming up is a visit to my grandparents. I am looking forward to the trip but it is kind of bitter sweet. They are both in their 90s and I know they soon won’t be with us. Makes me sad. But they have had a great live. And already have lived to see their great grandbabies. Well sigh I have already run out of steam. Should of stayed in bed. But I didn’t. J
I wrote this story a few years ago. I really liked how it turned out. Hope you do too.
Tomorrow is Yesterday (part 1)
You know that desire to go backwards in time and do everything over again? If you truly could go back and really do it over again would you? What would you change? These were the questions I now faced. I had the opportunity to go back and do it over again. I was looking forward to righting many wrongs in my life. The best part is that what I know now I will know then. I will be able to make the life I wanted for myself and the life that was taken from me so many years ago. Though some miraculous chance the Fates choose me out of six billion people to grant the one wish everyone has. I had always made a point not to regret the decisions of my past but that does not mean I would not change things if I could.
Why the Fates choose me, I will never know. I am just an average girl with an average life. I work a nine to five job and have your typical condo with a cat. I really had a good steady life. It was so boring. I did not have to think about anything. I was so jaded from my past I worked hard to have a simulation free life. Perhaps that is why the Fates picked me. I needed to have more excitement, I guess.
My story starts just like any other day. I got up to a blaring alarm clock. It was 7:00am. I glowered at the clock. I hated waking up. I much rather stay a sleep in a dark fog that seemed to numb out all feeling. Tentatively I put my toes on the floor. The cold hardwood floor was a huge deterrent from getting out of bed but I need to be at work in forty-five minutes. I knew they would stay in business if I never showed up but they acted like the world would end if I were five minutes late. I dragged my self out of bed and showered in scolding hot water hoping to warm up my house. I quickly toweled off and blow-dried my long auburn hair. I stood in front of the mirror and highlighted my ash-gray eyes in black eyeliner. I had always kept my makeup to a minimum but I had always like making my eyes pop. I dressed in a black mid-thigh tight pencil skirt and silk red blouse.
I was working on building a kayak rack and it fell apart like a cartoon. I might have laughed if i hadn’t spent the last hour and some working on it. So now I’m nursing my pride. So here is a poem I wrote once upon a time. Let me know what you think.
Every night we meet.
Beautiful you are in my dreams.
I remember the tease of your skin,
The touch of your lips.
I can still feel the breeze
Of your whispers.
Then the sun comes
I only have my dreams.
Don’t make me sleep alone anymore.
Find me before the darkness comes.
So I got Invisalign braces on the yesterday. I had been waiting almost two years to get them on. No more shark bite mouth!!! I had prepped myself for the “discomfort” and the adjustment period. I have to say I almost wish I got regular braces. It is painful and the edges of the trays are sharp. My tongue is raw and not happy.
However, the thing that is the hardest is the fact that I can take them off. At any time. With braces I wouldn’t be able to take them off. I would not have that option of an out of the pain and discomfort. Having the self-control to keep them in even though my mouth hurts is the hardest thing. I almost get mini panic attacks when it really hurts. It’s almost like claustrophobia. However, this is something that is important to me. I will hold out and keep them on only 700 more days to go! Sigh. I will manage. Of course, I will be cranky cause I am in pain.
Oh! Another thing, I cannot eat with them in and I must keep them in at least 20 hours a day. So my normal food grazing will stop. I hope to lose some weight. Maybe one day can smile and not focus on my teeth. It better be awesome cause its costing an arm and a leg! Thank goodness for my insurance paying 50% but I still had $2500 out of pocket.
I wrote this story after watching a vampire movie. It made me think what it would be like as a hunted vampire of today. This is what came to mind.
My exhale was slow and deep. The expression on my face was calm and relaxed. He was starting at me. I could feel his eyes looking over my features. I know he does not look because of anything more than primal desires. His bed that I lay on was lumpy and old. His room I was hiding out in was covered in posters and graffiti. Most of the scribbling on the wall were lyrics for some song that he wanted to compose. I smiled to myself at the thought; He will never compose. He did not have the motivation to. The desire, yes, but the motivation, no. I inhaled deep the smoky air of the room. They were smoking the second blunt of the night. The other two were of no interest to me. They were just extra entertainment.
She is mine, he thought to himself. She can not get enough of the Rock Star. His ego was bigger then his so call stardom. He stared at her face. She was in a deep sleep. Her breaths were deep and slow and he knew she was out cold. His eyes moved down the soft skin of her neck. Singer boy licked his lips as his eyes moved across the exquisite breasts that threaten to fall out of the fabric that wrapped around her top. A muscle twitched under his left eye as he looked at the tight stomach that was only half covered by the blanket. For a moment he pained to have something better than a rag to cover her beautiful body. He wished he could show her something better than cardboard box he lived in now. He wanted a large house and a big bank account to show off. Then his attention turned to the blunt now being passed back to him. Ahh to be high…
Inhale. The mortals were so … what’s the word… boring, idle, unambitious. Was there just one word to describe what the human kind was? So much talent and potential wasted on those who do not use it. If only the motivated person could be given the talent of the unmotivated. I guess it takes millennia for a being to learn about motivation. I sighed, to be human…
Crack!!! The window shattered and I felt the bullet glide across my arm to embed itself in the wall by my head. I was standing in a heartbeat. I was a fool to think that they would not find me here. Damn dogs! I cursed. Well, I was getting bored with this group anyhow. I looked one last time at “His Highness”. My black duster wrapped around my boots as my motion stopped. From the twist of my body my deep red top showed just enough skin that his eyes glazed. Huh! I amused. It always humored me to see guys drool. Another bullet came through the window and stuck in the door behind me. I plucked the bullet from the door kissed it and threw it at lover boy. And with a wink I was gone.
Wow, what a week. I was working midnights and then am a zombie during the day. Makes it hard to get into a cycle or remember to do much. Like posting my blogs. It is also very hard on your body to keep changing your sleep cycle. It makes me wonder what genius came up with our scheduling. It’s out right ridiculous. In four weeks I worked two weeks of days than a week of midnights and now I am back on days. No wonder I can’t sleep. My body doesn’t know what’s going on. I have the strangest dreams too. Like when my roommate and I were going to feed the starving horses that lived in the apartment building across the intersection. One of my co-workers was in charge of the horses and didn’t know they needed to be fed. I wonder what a psychologist would say about those dreams. I think it would be interesting to have someone psychoanalyze my dreams. I wonder how much it would really reflex who I am.
I actually had a long weekend this week. It was nice after not knowing whether I was coming or going earlier in the week. I was planning to go to Duluth, MN for a food promotion that was going on this weekend. I had been really looking forward to some great food at some new restaurants. I really haven’t spent much time downtown Duluth. I always like to explore new cities. My roommate also had the weekend off so that we could go together. You can’t beat $10 lunches and $25 dinners. We got to go and spend a night there eating and shopping. However, there was a little rain cloud over it call because my cat was sick. Yes I am one of those peoples what have fur-babies and treat them like family. She was the last to catch the cold that has been running through our household. And she, Roanoke, (like the city) caught it bad. Roanoke’s little nose was soo stuffed up that she had to mouth breath. Being a worried mother, I tried to make her feel better. I gave her fluids and offered her any food she would want but she didn’t want to eat anything. Well Friday she was breathing better but still stuffed up so we decided to pop over to Duluth since we had reservations and it is only a couple hours away. Of course, the whole time we were gone I was worried about her. Upon returning home I was pleased to see an alive and breathing kitty. However, I noticed that she hadn’t eaten anything. Long story short, I took Roenoke to the vet and got some antibiotics and high calorie food. She has eaten some but is still on the mend.
Now starts my week. I work 7 days to get two off. I feel like I have things planned for the next two months of days off. That is good I guess. Keeps me busy. Summer looks like it’s on the way. Or it did. Today we have rain and tomorrow we are looking at a half a foot of snow. Goodness what is up with the weather? Can’t make up it’s mind. I think I have caught you up on stuff. I will post another story soon. Gotta come up with something good. 🙂