Little mind killer

Yesterday I woke up with this pain in the base of my head. It was a throbbing pain. It was distracting and annoying but not yet insistent on my attention. I went through my day as normal. Taking care of my daily chores and preparing to go to work. At work, I started a low dose of pain killers. Just one here and there to keep the sharpness dulled. It worked but as dawn drew near (I am working midnights) the throbbing became more localized and vied for my attention. In my last hours of work, I pictured myself with a glass of wine and my snuggle companion. I knew this would ease my suffering. As my evening, mid-day for everyone else, drew toward bedtime the pain started to move behind my ear. I realized then this pseudo-migraine was really an earache.

A moment of panic set in. I have this memory of my 6 year old self writhing in pain for I knew my head was going to implode in on its self. I remember screaming for what seemed like hours while my mother made the trip into town to get me some relief. I can still picture my father hovering over me, worry and pity on his face. There was nothing he could do. There was nothing to do but to wait. I was in pain. Agony. My body was torturing itself for an unknown reason. The flashback was fleeting but the mark of pain was very familiar. I laid down with a stronger dose of over-the-counter pain killers. The pain woke me a few hours later. I searched for more pain killers and my heating pad. In a sleepy, drug induced stupor I moaned and tossed and turned. I tried to calm myself while I waited for relief that was slow in arriving. I made it through the next few hours in a sleepy, nightmarish haze. All my will trying to plead with the universe to stop the discomfort. The pain never stopped completely. I am now half way through my midnight shift. I will try to make it another few hours and then go to the clinic to get some stronger relief.

The situation reminded me of the strength or weakness of the mind. The mind can overcome almost anything. The mind can make the situation much better or eternally worse. By having the self control to not panic and give in to the pain I have overcome the my younger self. I no longer think of only the “now” but also the hope for a better future. I believe that is what makes us an adult. That knowledge that we can make our future better… or not. We can plan, hope, and act in a way that takes away the pain of the now. However, as a child all you can think of is what is happening right now. To the way you feel emotionally or physically. There is little planning and a lot of hoping.

Just food for thought. 🙂

Fictional Loves

So passing the time on a midnight shift I was reading the latest book by my favorite authors. (Crimson Tide by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child) I was fully involved with the book and ignored comments and sneers from my non-reading coworkers. This series is about 20 books strong and is the first book I recommend to my non-reading friends because it is so well written. It is eloquent and suspenseful. The story truly makes me want to know more about the world around me. Also their detail to natural history is fascinating. They touch on subjects I faintly know and then have to research more. The book challenges my vocabulary and understanding of human nature. I equate them to the late Michael Crichton. The research Mr. Crichton puts into his books is greatly lacking in the world today. So many people used general information to support their stories. Crichton uses facts and incorporates them into his works of beautiful fiction…but I digress.

A meme popped up that completely summed up how I feel about my fictional characters. In a book you, generally, don’t have an image to correlate with the person. We might have some description given to us by the author but the gaps we fill in. So instead of falling in love with someone we see, we instead fall in love with their words. We fall for their actions and most intimate thoughts and dreams. We fall in love with someone that is only black and white type. I asked my grandmother, once long ago, how she decided to marry my grandfather. She told me she fell in love with his letters. He was away in the Navy and wrote to her. I remember, I was a young teenager then, how much that made sense to me. I understand that you could fall in love with someone’s written word because I had fallen for many fictional characters even at that tender age.

Now with the advent of technology, we write to each other every moment of the day. And lose the most important element of the written word. The anticipation, the longing, to read another word. There is no break in text messages. They come, sometimes one word at a time, quickly, rapid fire to fill our inboxes. There tends to be no real thought behind the message. “food?” “Yes plz” “k” Some of the words are abbreviated and construed to mean almost anything. Yes I know there are times when a text message comes in and is meaningful and well thought out but it’s not often. With the ability to message every and any thought or whim not much is put behind the message other than pressing send.

I know I am not the only one who wished they could have a meaningful written relationship. Is there a way we could revive that? Is there a way we fall in love with the written word again?

Sorry for my ramblings. I am sleep deprived and was interrupted in this short post three times. J Have a great week. I am going camping tonight and will post pictures asap.

Daily Prompt: Slowly

Today’s prompt was slowly. As it would work out it is a perfect word for today; in so many ways.

Slow is how my day started. Not totally because I was groggy and sluggish but also because I had prepared time for my mornings to start slowly. Breakfast, a peach and hardboiled egg, on the porch watching the sun slowly break the tree line. I took time to enjoy my slices of peach and the dryness of the yoke. My outdoor mouse eliminator slowly stretched and snoozed under my chair. Surly tired out from a night of slowly stocking any creature worthy of sacrificial offering on my walkway. A soft breeze meandered around tickling leaves and grass stocks. The moment made me never want to leave but the day was calling and I withdrew to complete my morning tasks before my commute to work. Preparing to leave, my roommate came upstairs to grab the breakfast I had prepared a few minutes before. She, in a constant panic, grabbed and tossed and rushed in a mad hurry to get out of the door on time. She was crisis to my tranquility. I waited, impatience starting, while in her struggle to get her day started she was already running late. Coming down the stairs toward the garage she is a mess on feet. I had waited so that I could close up behind her. Now more flustered she jetted out of the stall and down the road. I slowly closed up the garage and started my truck. I plugged in my iPod and set a book to play. I was transported into a different galaxy I set cruise control and made my way towards my work. A Buddhist monk would be proud of my thoughtfulness in each step I took. Watching where I set my feet and how I move; putting thought into each movement. It slowed down my world. Made me think of the things that upset me and set me spinning was not as important.  My walk from car to office was relaxed and as the day slowly moves towards noon and evening, I try to keep this slow tranquil mind. I try to take my time and do everything with purpose. It is tiring. It is so much easier to go off without thought and be frantic and a mess. However, it leads to a much more cluttered mind.  A much more cluttered life. It is better to live slow. Stop and smell the flowers or at very least revel in the patience they have waiting for a solitary bee to come and sample the nectar.

Magical Weekend

 

So after working over two weeks straight, (why do I do that to myself) I finally had a couple of days off. On my first day off, Friday, I took the time to do all the house cleaning that I have been putting off. Made food and spent the day slowly. Not rushing; not on the clock. It was lovely. Saturday, I worked another overtime shift. Work was busy and the time went by quick. That night I packed and prepped my kitties for being away overnight. Sunday morning we got up fairly early to start the drive to the big city. My roommate had worked until 2am and I volunteered to drive the 1^st leg of the trip. It was raining and dull. I listened to the audiobook of 2001: A space odyssey. It was a wonderful diversion. After a short nap my roommate took over the wheel and we drove around one of the largest lakes in the state. My mother happened to call at that point and after telling her where we were she had an interesting local lore tidbit. My grandfather’s Uncles and Aunts died on that lake. I was a little awestruck and thanked her for such an interesting snippet.  Slowly we continued our drive that was only slightly delayed by construction. Our hotel boasts the largest water park in the area. However, there was no pool for guests unless you paid for the water park. Our room was lovely and large. After a few moments of relaxation we prepared for a night of fun. We had tickets to Disney’s the Lion King with off Broadway cast. I was super excited. Before the show, dinner was planned at an Indian place not far from the theater. The food was amazing; full of flavor and new tastes. We walked two blocks to the theater and took our seats just before the show started. And WOW. That’s all I can really say. The opening scene just like the movie was grand. All the animals of the plains coming to acknowledge the birth of the future king. The voices of the actors were beyond my expectations. The costumes just…. WOW. An elephant came down the aisle, one person in each leg. Giraffes were walking around on their stilt like legs. Zebras and antelope pranced over the stage in magical flight. It was amazing. The actors played their characters with grace and knowledge. It was the best show I have seen. Afterward we wondered over to a British inspired pub with a bowling green on the roof. We threw back a couple of pints and watched a band encourage drunken movement from the crowd. It was fabulous. A wonderful evening full of fine dresses, lovely food/drink, and magical moments. A perfect evening. The next day, Monday, a quick tour of the mall and a better stocked liquor store then at home, we made our way home, and back to the daily grind.

Longfellow

The weather is getting me down. It feels like winter in July. Sigh. Here is a poem that I hope is uplifting.

 

Henry Longfellow

The Rainy Day

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

I Got Nothing

Not feeling up to snuff today. So here is a picture of cuteness.

 

 

Tomorrow is Yesterday FINAL!

Hey here is the final part of my story. Hope you have enjoyed it!!!! Thanks for reading.

“Hey there, welcome to Mike’s Marina,” said the bartender. The bar was pretty much a shack with no sides. There were a few tables were surrounded by plastic chairs. The bar was on the wall that was shared with the marina. I walked up to the bar keep. He was dark, blond, and very handsome. In the back of my mind he was vaguely familiar but I did not know from where. I grabbed a beat-up stool a few down from a true fisherman. The fisherman was shaggy and shirtless. His jeans had grease stains and holes at random places. In his hands was a half of a beer and he was talking to his neighbor about the huge one that got away and no one ever saw. I smiled. It was so perfect.

“Whatcha want?” The bartender asked me as I scanned over a menu.

“What’s good?”

“Everything is pretty good. I like the grilled chicken.”

“Mmmm! Grilled Chicken.” I said in full Homer Simpson style. I knew this was going to be the best place. The bartender smiled and slightly rolled his emerald eyes at my childish humor. I ordered the chicken.

“Fries or onion rings? You want anything to drink?” I got fries and a beer and started some small talk while my food cooked.

“How’s the season starting?”

“It’s going well actually. Enough tourists to keep the bills paid but not enough to annoy the locals. Where are you from?

“That obvious that I am not from here? Virginia. I am staying the season if I can keep myself entertained long enough.” I smiled because I knew that I would have no problem keeping myself entertained.

“Yeah, well you are not very tanned… not that you look bad…”The bartender quickly backtracked blushing. “Virginia is quiet a drive. What kinda entertainment are you looking for?” I smiled not offended in his blunder. It was fun to see someone shyer then me. He was cute!

“I will have to work on my tan I suppose. It is still cold up north. Yeah I wanted to get away from the rush of Virginia. So are there any local bands? I could work for my tickets.” I felt so smooth trying to hint at my goal of finding random temporary work. I wanted to do random work for people and just bum the summer away. I knew I must be crazy if bumming a summer away sounded like fun.

“Yeah you won’t have to work hard at a tan. We are actually having a show here tonight. Jack Johnson lives a few islands away and comes by to play at random times. I could actually use some help. Mikey decided to go off to college this year so I could use an extra hand.” Perfect I thought this was exactly what I needed.

“OH! I like Jack Johnson. His songs always make me smile. Jessica.” I offered my hand.

“Eric.” We shook hands and I knew that I had found my guardian angle. My food came and I ate in silence. It was delicious. I was wrapped in warm sea air sitting in an open bar as the sand and wind played tag across the floor. I finished my meal and told Eric I wanted to check out the town but I would be back when he needed me. He gave me a time and suggested I stop by a few shops. I thanked him and set off with a happy heart and full stomach.

****

I spent a few days helping Eric out and getting acquainted to the locals. There were a half dozen boat captains that all wanted a pretty girl onboard. I knew that would only lead to trouble. I met the other shop owners and had a few people offer me some temporary work. I was assured that I would never go hungry and if I need a place to sleep I was welcome at most of their couches. I thanked them from the bottom of my heart and worked hard at any task they offered me.

At night I would wonder back toward my car, a little tipsily, and curl up under a tree by the edge of the beach and watch the stars come out. I have never seen so many stars as I did on my nights on the beach. The soft hum of the waves hummed me to sleep. It was heavenly. I surprised a few people that came across my wallow but on the whole no one bothered me. In the morning I would take a swim and play with the fish on the reef. I got better and better at free diving. I was able to barrow then buy a pair of fins. My skin darkened quickly and I quickly became leaner and stronger. After looking for new fish and shells I found an outdoor shower at the park and washed the salt water off my skin. My auburn hair bleached and became strawberry. These changes all took place with in three short weeks.  I wished my time here never ended.

Then the next day I woke to beeps. Lots of beeps. I was groggy and felt stiff. It was hard to move; my eyes wouldn’t open. There was a weird smell that assaulted my senses. I tried to get up but found my arms and legs were not responsive. A panic slowly started in my gut and rose up my chest. I managed to get my eyes open but the lights were too bright. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t move. Pain started in my legs and radiated up toward my head. My eyes finally focused. I saw wires and cables coming from my arms and under the thin blanket that covered me. The beeping quickened. A person wrapped in white quietly came in the door.

“Good Morning, Jessica. Glad to see you finally awake. You were in a coma.”

By Heart (Daily Prompt)

Daily Prompt suggested I recite something by heart. Two things come to mind one is the Lullaby Wynken, Blynken, and Nod and the other is If– by Rudyard Kipling. I learned these poems and a few others when I was in a dark place in my life and I needed to focus on something else. So I recited poetry to block out the bad days. Here are my two poems. I hope they encourage you as well.

Wynken, Blynken, and Nod

Wynken, Blynken, and Nod one night
Sailed off in a wooden shoe —
Sailed on a river of crystal light,
Into a sea of dew.
“Where are you going, and what do you wish?”
The old moon asked the three.
“We have come to fish for the herring fish
That live in this beautiful sea;
Nets of silver and gold have we!”
Said Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.

The old moon laughed and sang a song,
As they rocked in the wooden shoe,
And the wind that sped them all night long
Ruffled the waves of dew.
The little stars were the herring fish
That lived in that beautiful sea —
“Now cast your nets wherever you wish —
Never afraid are we”;
So cried the stars to the fishermen three:
Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.

All night long their nets they threw
To the stars in the twinkling foam —
Then down from the skies came the wooden shoe,
Bringing the fishermen home;
‘Twas all so pretty a sail
 it seemed
As if it could not be,
And some folks thought ’twas a dream they’d dreamed
Of sailing that beautiful sea —
But I shall name you the fishermen three:
Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.

Wynken and Blynken are two little eyes,
And Nod is a little head,
And the wooden shoe that sailed the skies
Is a wee one’s trundle-bed.
So shut your eyes while mother sings
Of wonderful sights that be,
And you shall see the beautiful things
As you rock in the misty sea,
Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three:
Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.

If– Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
 Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
  But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
  Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
  And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
  If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
  And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
  Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
  And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
  And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
  And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
  To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
  Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
  Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
  If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
  With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
  And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son.

 

 

In God We Trust!

Happy 4th of July! Take a moment to read the complete version of the Star Spangled Banner. And while you are listening to the bombs bursting in air think about Sir Francis Scott Key watching our banner yet wave though the night. Imagine what he felt in hopes that as dawn rose the next day our flag was still there.

 

O! say can you see, by the dawn’s early light,
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming,
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,
O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there;
O! say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore dimly seen through the mists of the deep,
Where the foe’s haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o’er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning’s first beam,
In full glory reflected now shines in the stream:
‘Tis the star-spangled banner, O! long may it wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle’s confusion,
A home and a country, should leave us no more?
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps’ pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave,
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

O! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved homes and the war’s desolation.
Blest with vict’ry and peace, may the Heav’n rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: ‘In God is our trust’
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

 

Tomorrow is Yesterday part 10

So this is how I spent my time in Texas. I would do my schoolwork and then meet the Alice and Matthew when they got done with school. We all did our homework together and then we made dinner for my dad together. They loved making food with me, and both Mrs. Kathryn and my dad had an endless supply of desserts. I made sure my dad did not eat junk food. I felt like I was ten years older. Here I had two young children and took care of my absent-minded father. I laughed at the silliness of the situation. I actually was ten years older. I tried not to spend too much time thinking about the intricacy of coming back to fix my mistakes. I sometimes found myself reminiscing the last ten years that I was now reliving. Three months went by quickly and happily. The emotion was new to me and I reveled in it. I think my father took noticed of my joyful moods. I knew he had never seen me so satisfied with life. For ten years I had lived in the shadow bad relationships. The time came too quickly to go back to Virginia. I debated about staying with my dad in Dallas but I had a plan and I wanted to follow through with it.

****

“Why, Jessica? You just got back. Are you not going to train anymore? You know your students have been calling.” My mother complained. I had just told her that I was going to Florida for the summer. I would spend the summer in No Name Key just south of Key West.

“Mother,” I began. “I have already decided. And who has been calling? I told everyone I was taking a year off?” I was confused to who was calling. I had sent my students to my friends at other stables. I had worked everything out and “tied up” my lose ends. I spent a lot of time working out the details. I knew all of my students had been taken care of.

“I don’t remember his name but, Jessica, you can not go!”

“Don’t worry. I’ll be back in August when college starts. I am leaving for Florida Monday.” I did not stay to hear her complain. I went up to my room to unpack and repack. I was so excited about going to Florida. I was still curious about who she was talking about. Who would have called me? I had taken care of my students and told my few friends that I was going to be gone. They were used to me traveling around. I tried to travel with my dad as much as possible. Since I was home schooled I did not need to worry about missing class. My school followed me wherever I went. As I was thought about being a high school graduate my phone rang interrupting my thoughts.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Jessie Baby! What’s happening?” Sam said. I was surprised to hear from him.

“Sup, How did you know I was home?”

“I didn’t but Michael said you were going to be home in May. So I thought I would try ya. How was the big T?” I was speechless for a moment with shock. Michael was looking for me? Why? I told him…

“Oh! Umm… well I am back only for a few days. How was…school?” I really did not know what to say. I was angry with Michael. Didn’t he realize how hard it was to talk to him? I could not understand why he did not leave me alone. Sam and I talked about trivial things. He wanted to know everything about Texas and where I was going. I told him about the Alice and Matthew. Sam was excited that I could cook now. He made me promise to cook for him the next day. I told him about Florida and my plans of sunny days and sandy beaches. He was intrigued about my need to spend my summer living it up. He was convinced I was going to spend every night in a club partying it up. I assured him I was going to spend every minute as possible in the water, night and day. With great mistrust in his voice he agreed with me.

“Really, Sam, what do you think I am going to do?”

“I don’t know Jess. Who spends time in Florida’s water? Its all about the Miami night clubs!”

“Silly, I am not going to Miami. I’m going to No Name Key. It is so much better.”

So I spent the rest of the evening explaining why the beach is better then the nightclubs. I promised to find Sam the biggest conch shell I could find. We both laughed and I disconnected the line a lot happier about my trip.

****

I had spent my remaining days in the stables. The pain I felt losing my horse was quickly replace with renewed love. I was so happy she was well. Perhaps in this timeline she will live a full life. I, at least, was going to try. I was half way to Florida in the car that I knew my parents would get me for graduation. This time I knew a lot more about cars then I did ten years ago and I would not blow any head gaskets. Traffic was light and I was making very good time. I had spent last night sleeping in my car. I remember I used to sleep in my back seat instead of going home. It was my own place away from everything that troubled me. It was a wonderful feeling. I spent the last few hours watching the landscaping change from pine trees to palm ferns. I noticed the humidity grow and at one rest stop I changed into lighter clothes. I had been to Florida before and was always surprised how the surroundings felt like a sand dune with house build on the sides. I knew people would build anywhere no matter how harsh the environment.

After a lifetime I came to my destination. I did feel like a lifetime had passed me by. I had spent so many years dreaming about being in Florida. I invested so time in something that never happened. I was tired of life and I wasn’t even middle aged. It was crazy how life flowed. For me it flowed backward and erased so much pain. I knew that I would never been able to deserve what happen. Happiest that I never knew filled me up over welling from my heart. My chest swelled and I was elated. Elated… I now truly knew what that word meant. I feel like I was floating and the world finally was bright and sunny. Everything was colorful and bright. The feeling hit me a few miles south of Miami and I knew this is where I was suppose to be ten years ago. The last few hundred miles disappeared with out time moving. I was finally in a place I had dreamed about for over ten years.

****

No Name Key was so low in elevation that you feel that the world was truly passing you by. “Island time” had new meaning here. Everyone took pride in living on a spit of land in the beautiful Caribbean. I drove down Main Street looking for the beach and taking in the culture. Toward the end of the street I found what I was looking for. No Name Key was unusually forested. It was probably the only thing that kept the island from being washed away. I turned left onto a side road that went into a dense stand of trees. I found a place to park and got out stretch. I left my shoes in the car and took in the warmth that seemed to radiate from me. I followed a trail that was marbled with shade to the edge of the water. About fifty feet from the water the trees ended and the land dropped a few feet down to the beach. The beach was pure white in the midday sun. A breeze ruffled my hair like a long lost friend tussling my hair. I smiled and tried to see farther then the horizon. It was perfect. I had daydreamed about being in this exact spot. My stomach growled and reminded me that I had been in the car most of the day. I walked back to the car to grab some cash then walked to town. I was looking for a hole-in-the-wall, native restaurant. This is where I will find a place to do some under-the-table work. About a mile from where I parked I found exactly what I was looking for.