When I first wrote this post I wrote about a situation about a person who was upset with me and about their reaction. After long debates with myself and conversations with my closest friends I decided to write about my reactions instead.
One of the guys (gender neutral) I train decided they didn’t enjoy my teaching style. I surmise, they vented to another trainer and that person decided to make a complaint in the poor trainee’s honor. I truly don’t know the specifics, however, I do know that someone isn’t happy with me.
I was going to defend myself and saying I would give the shirt off my back to any of my trainees. Regardless, of how well I liked them or not. I would do anything for my “kids.” I call them that. Not derogatory. Mostly in affection. But as any of my friends will say, “I care.”
This person attacked me. Attacked how I care. How I am trying to make them a stronger, better person. For those who don’t know or don’t remember, I am in Law Enforcement. For those who do pay attention to the world, it is not a safe world. My main goal, with anyone I teach is if I let you go – into the world- you will be able to save my life, my co-worker’s life, a stranger’s life. That is my goal. To make you the best person you can ever be. To get there I might not be gentle. I might not hold your hand. I might make you feel like I walked away from you while you weren’t sure of the answer. I promise you, I didn’t leave you to flounder. I left you to grow.
Regardless, of all my assurances above, the pain you inflicted hit home. It hit me hardest because you don’t understand how hard I fight for you. I make my every movement to make sure that you are a superhero. That you are the person the papers write about. That amazing agent that the president sees.
But you decided you wanted to whine about my tone of voice. It hurt your feelings. It made you feel like you had room for improvement. Did you know that your complaint and whining hurt me? Did you think of me at all?
Did you know that I have cried myself to sleep? Did you know that I am second guessing every action I take? Did you even consider any of the options I have to think of because you didn’t you like what I said to you? Did you even consider that you could tell me you were upset or hurt or anything? Did you try talking to me at all?
You didn’t. I can say that honestly. Because the above is me. I might be crying writing this. This might be the most honest thing I have have ever written. The difference between us is when my friend read this they will surround me with love and happiness and caring. What will your friends surround you with? Good wishes? I will get hugs and love and comfort and support. You will get, “she was mean.” Or “she is a bitch.”
I break myself for you! I worry for you. I seek to make you a stronger person. If you can’t take that get out of my line of work. I don’t want you to have my back because you wont. I am sorry if you feel uncomfortable. I am sorry if you want to have your hand held. But that is not what I offer. And I promise what I have to offer is more then what you can handle. I break myself for you. What do you do?
Star Of Grace 